It is not an uncommon phenomenon. Families “practice” behaviors with one another as they learn to navigate the world, with the hopeful outcome that they learn appropriate ones and extinguish the negative and dangerous ones.
But all too often, people carry with them those behaviors that doom them to a life of misery. And more unfortunately, when negative behaviors continue within the family dynamic, they can affect those who have worked hard through self reflection, to learn and practice healthy ones. Sometimes, the only way for the healthy family members to remain that way is to leave that part of the family behind.
Such is the situation I now find myself in now. I have tried numerous times to appeal to my brother, that it is in all of our interests to work things out through respectful dialog. He is unwilling and/or unable, and nothing I can do will change that. He is toxic and any interactions with him leave you exhausted, angry and tearful. So, to preserve my dignity, I have decided there is no other way than to eliminate him from my life.
It would be easy if there were no mutual interests but life is never that “clean” and simple. My mother and nieces live with him and are entirely under his control (and I choose that word deliberately). My mother is dependent on him, as are his young children.
It makes me very sad that my young nieces can’t interact with anyone without their father’s supervision. Because he is paranoid and suspicious about anyone’s intentions, he trusts no one. He claims to want his children to know their family, yet he does everything he can to push them away. He tells them and our mother what to think, how to think, what they like, and bullies them into submission. I keep trying to find a mantra strong enough to convince myself that I can’t do anything about the situation, unless I am prepared to do something drastic. I hope it doesn’t come to the need for that, but I can’t rule it out yet.
While I understand some of the reasons for his hateful, vitriolic attitude, I can’t imagine what brought it to the extreme. And I also know that this attitude only feeds itself, making any change less and less possible.
I find myself reciting the Serenity Prayer over and over, to help me stop obsessing about it. I am hoping that some day, my mother will want to leave the situation, but I hope that comes before something worse happens. I am hopeful that my nieces will turn to a healthy family member when someday they are free to move about without constant scrutiny.
Until that day comes, let me say: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Amen. (Repeat)
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