MRI’s and Mindfulness

A clautrophobic’s guide to surviving an MRI

• 

If you’ve ever had an MRI, you know the ominous feeling you get as you stare down the narrow tube that looks like a coffin. If you have any degree of claustrophobia, it is positively terrifying. I forgot what it was like and chose an MRI over a CT scan as I didn’t want any more high radiation imaging, having had more of them than you can count. I actually wonder if I am radioactive by now. Also, a one time, a reaction to CT scan dye started a serious allergic reaction, so whenever I have a CT scan, I have to go through a 24-hour premedication protocol that messes with my head and body. So, I decided to get an MRI.

No sooner was I looking into that impossibly narrow tube, that I realized I had to do something. It was too late for an anti-anxiety medication. I was there, and had to decide to proceed or go home. Wanting to get to the source of the reason for needing the MRI, I decided I would proceed.

Here is how I survived nearly an hour in the “coffin.”

I shut my eyes and didn’t open them until it was over.

I invoked deep breathing and mindfulness. The cacophony of excruciatingly loud noises (a variety of different ones, different pitches, tempos, etc.) started up. I listened mindfully, making “music” of the beats. I noticed two different sounds, not beating in the same rhythm. I noticed the different pitches. I imagined what else they sonded like. (Admittedly, some were like nothing else in real life.)

I employed counting to pass the time when told how many minutes each blast would last. Counting slowly made the time seem shorter.

FINAL TIPS: Whatever you do, DO NOT WEAR hearing aids to this exam. If you have better ear protection than 30-decibel reduction they provide, bring them. Their measly earplugs do nothing!

I am rethinking the next time I need imagining. I might prefer the pre-medication and drinking icky stuff for a 10 minute CT scan to the energy drain it took to survive the hour-long MRI. But that’s me. If you don’t suffer from claustrophobia, you will probably be fine with an MRI and lessen your exposure to radiation.

Advertisements

Memory: Real or Imagined?

I have read much about false memory in cases of abuse or other traumatic events, and of those who might have had ideas “put in their heads” by interrogators.

I haven’t looked deeply into the subject, but this phenomenon began to fascinate me when several people recalled events different from my own recollection of them. Reasons they recall differently may be due to noble intent, even if it didn’t actually happen the way they remembered.

I’m speaking of memories they had about visiting me in the hospital during a six-month confinement. I was astonished to learn they had visited me weekly. While I recall visits, it was not close to that frequency. I know that time flies by when I’m busy, as are these friends, so it may have seemed to be often to them. But on the other side of the bed, those long days stretched more slowly and most of the time I was alone, except for my husband who was there daily, if not twice some days.

I know my friends’ intentions were good. They also looked after my husband, who had a lot on his plate, with me, his job, our dogs and the house.  They fed him often, checked in with him for reports on my health and included him in their activities. So while I, in no way, intimate that my friends didn’t care, I postulate that memories have a strange way of morphing into what one might idealize for themselves.

I was also pleasantly surprised by visits from unlikely acquaintances – those I never would have expected to see. Some had health challenges of their own, making these visits especially meaningful. And I was disappointed by some I considered closer friends, who stayed away the whole time I went through severe health crises. But I wasn’t as surprised this time, as I had witnessed this while losing my previous husband and after his death. Just a different set of people and in a different time. I still wonder about the “whys” of these situations.

As I accept “a new normal,” albeit one with limitations, I enjoy more freedom than in those days in hospitals and I am enjoying the comradery of my friends in many settings. I will ponder the phenomenon however, as the human psyche and behavior is endlessly fascinating.

Thank You for Your Service

This term is most commonly said to military service people. But don’t many others serve us too? Now that the holiday season is here, I wrote my list of those who serve me throughout the year, many silently and behind the scenes. I got busy baking and allocating some cash to recognize and thank them.

The Postman

The FedEx driver

The UPS driver

The newspaper delivery person

The medical supply driver

My hairdresser

My nail technician

My cleaning team

The young man who does yard work for us

Public works, who pick up our trash every week

The medical supply company who went through many hoops to allow me to travel

The delight of the recipients of my gratitude only made me even more grateful. How special is that?

 

 

 

If You Only Knew

I read an article this morning (link below) that triggered thoughts I have pondered in the past. At times, we rush by people who may be rude, inappropriate, reclusive. We usually respond in kind. But what if that person just experienced something awful, was in an abusive relationship, just received a dire diagnosis, had a severe lifelong challenge? What if they were in pain, had an invisible illness? Would you respond differently?

Chances are you’d respond with more compassion. As humans of any mature age, chances are you’ve been in a situation that no one (particularly strangers) would know about, and they didn’t respond nicely to you. I’m not discounting the fact that there are some people who are just plain mean, but there is often a reason.

Next time that happens, as long as it is not unbearable to do so, stop and think before responding. The next time something is causing you not to be so kind, hopefully someone will respond to you with the same consideration.

Thanks to the author who inspired this post.

The Joy of Giving

I belong to an arts organization I founded in 2007. We recently created 6″x 6″ art canvasses to donate to an organization that raises money for vision-related healthcare abroad and on domestic Indian reservations. The organization takes the canvasses on the road to art fairs and galleries and sells them for $50 each.

I went to a fair yesterday where our group’s work was being displayed. I began chatting with a staff member and told her I was with the guild. She asked if I had any artwork in the show and I said I submitted it, but didn’t see it on the wall. She asked me to describe it. She lit up and said, “Oh, I bought that one. When I saw it, I just had to have it!” Then she asked me to pose with her for a “photo with the artist,” which of course I obliged.

I felt so good on so many levels. I raised enough money for someone to receive eye care, doing something I love to do anyway. I took a $5 canvas and increased its value to $50. I made the buyer happy to have a picture with the artist and finally, just being acknowledged as an artist was in itself rewarding. If you’ve read other posts about my lifelong struggle to earn the street cred to call myself an artist, you’ll get that last part.

I have volunteered and donated a lot of my time and services over the years. I would say without hesitation, that I got more out of it than the recipients of my deeds.

I encourage you to lend your hand, your time, your talents to those who need them. I promise you that you will receive more than you give.

We Can’t Always Protect Them

The following is from a letter I wrote to my sons five years ago. I never published it then as I was too raw and overwhelmed at the time. I came across the email today and decided I could share it, though God knows, the danger has not passed. If anything, there have been far too many more incidents of violence since. So many that we are becoming numb. This email reminded me to remain vigilant and hold onto my sons, no matter how old they get.

Dear J and D,

Ok, this is not meant to embarrass you but I wanted to share my feelings with you …

It’s been an emotional week. The bombing in Boston, just on the heels of the Newtown tragedy, has stirred my feelings of helplessness to protect my children in this crazy world.

No matter how old your children are, when a tragedy strikes – anywhere – a mother’s first instinct is to want to hug her children, as if doing so will assure me that you are ok and that I can protect you from harm. These events prove to me that we can’t always do that and it is painful to know that you must eventually protect yourself as I won’t be here forever. And even while I am here, I can’t control random crazy peoples’ deeds. So I tried to prepare you for the world as best I could. But when unexplainable things like this happen, I feel so powerless.

Yet, in spite of it, I know there is goodness – lots of it – shown through the many acts of heroism, bravery and kindness when terror struck. And that helps maintain my faith in humanity.

But no matter what, I needed to give you a hug the moment I saw you when I came home. At least I saw with my own eyes you were safe for the moment.

I am incredibly proud of the men you have become. Sensitive, with the belief you can and will make your marks somewhere on humanity. It doesn’t take a lot to change a life.

So, live your lives fully, in spite of the naysayers and the crazy, deranged people, without fear and with compassion. And remember I am by your side, whatever path(s) you choose, and throughout your lives, whether I am here on earth or in your memories.

Love you forever.

Mom

 

On Writing And Creating Art

I love to write. Just as I love to make art. But it is an interesting struggle to do it. On closer inspection, both have one thing in common. Both are creative expression, and had been so stifled in childhood that it feels almost forbidden. My mother forbade me to go to art school, in spite of a teacher who advocated for my talent. Standardized tests (SATs included) measured my writing skills as paltry. So what was a young girl to do but shut down the creative instincts. From time to time I wonder what my life would have been like if I had let loose all these urges.

Despite years of therapy and self awareness, at age 63 I still fight with myself about using all the tools and supplies I’ve been able to afford. I hoard them. As any artist knows, paints and glues dry out and end up wasted if not used. Then I tell myself I have to do all my “chores” before I get to play in my well appointed studio. So it collects a lot of the junk we move out of other rooms when we clean up. And starting an art project means first having to make the space, which adds to the amout of time I need to get started. So it happens too rarely. Crazy, right?

I know it’s crazy, and I hate feeling I don’t deserve the time to create. Yet it is not only a desire to create, but a NEED. My therapists have given me strategies to “make time for art,” to put it on my calendar, and I have. But life always seems to get in the way and push it aside in favor of something more important. But is any of it really?